5 Types of Partners (and How to Handle Them)

I'm not one to judge someone on a single characteristic. I'm also not a big fan of straw man arguments. These are issues that are probably in every relationship in some form.  Nevertheless, this is a quick guide to dealing with certain "types" of partners, with a few signs for spotting them. As always, this is for entertainment purposes only. I have no idea what I'm talking about in real life.

5. The "Durrp"ner

Do you like feeling superior? Love the smug satisfaction of being the smartest person in the room? Then you'll have everything you ever wanted in a Durrpner. They probably couldn't even breathe properly if you weren't there to show them how. They hang on your every last word, even the ones you made up. They usually concede defeat in every argument, even when you have no idea what you're talking about.
"Oh! So Global Warming is more of a lifestyle choice! NOW I get it!"

How to Make It Work: 

If you're in a relationship because you feed off of their stupidity to make you feel smarter, then you're a bit of a Durrpner yourself.  If you truly feel that you're superior to your partner in any way, then you probably don't deserve them. Besides, Bill Nye said it best when he said, "Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't." But that doesn't mean that person will still be fun to be around after you learn whatever that something is.

4. The "Sexy"ner

You passed out from all the blood racing from your brain to your crotch the first time you laid eyes on them. They can somehow manage to look incredible eating hot wings while sitting on the toilet. A wink or a toss of the hair can get them out of any situation. Sure, they're about as interesting as a loaf of Wonderbread playing a game of golf, and it seems like every word from their mouth came from an issue of US Weekly, but they just look...so...damn...good! Beauty is obviously subjective, but everyone has met someone that they've found so attractive it put their brain into "Meltdown" mode.
Somewhere, somehow, someone is using this photo to grow palm hair.

How to Make It Work: 

Time and maturity usually make this work itself out. When you get to the place where you're really looking for someone to spend your days with, your genitals hop in the backseat pretty quick after getting to know a person who's obsessed with appearances.  Personally, I've seen girls go from a 10 to a negative infinity score of sexiness while they were in the middle of the first sentence to come out of their mouths.  Watching someone willfully play into the stereotypes of typical beauty (shallowness, conceit, stupidity) is particularly vomit-inducing.  It's hard to find that person that's confident enough in their appearance to just be themselves. But when you do, all the ones that put all the focus into how they're seen on the surface tend to be the ugliest of them all.

3. The Compulsive Liar/Con Artist/Sociopath-ner

They'll tell you whatever you want to hear, whenever you want to hear it. You can't seem to stay mad at them for some reason, even though they just used your lucky hat as a bowl to eat the last of YOUR cereal. Your parents always side with them during a big argument, and your grandmother tells your current mate how great they were, 3 years after they ran off with all your money and your best friend. Which actually ended up being understandable after they explained that they only did it to make your love stronger. 
"No baby! It's MY car! I just lost my keys. And my face is SO cold today!"

How to Make It Work:

This is only going to work if you're a Durrpner or you're just completely self-obsessed. They can always blow smoke up your ass to make you feel even better about yourself. When they violate your trust, you can either keep falling for their B.S. or you can just brush it off because you're way too busy with your own problems to be concerned with what they're doing. 

2. The "Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATSHIT!"ner

Meeting them was like walking into a tornado filled with chocolate, unicorns and broken headboards. All you can remember is that you can't remember the last time you felt so alive and free! Every new day is an adventure. But like all natural disasters, once the excitement is over there's not much left but tears, broken dreams and shattered windows. You start preparing to rebuild, but they were just getting started...

"Of course I remembered your birthday! Why else would I be holding a knife?!"

How to Make It Work:

There are really no preventative measures that will work. All you can do is hope it's not too late. Here is some helpful information. Also, here. If all else fails, here.

1. The "One"-ner

This is the end of your search. You've been through hell and back. You laughed. You cried. You babbled in a made up language and started wearing tinfoil hats. You thought all was lost. Then they came along. All the things you were looking for and a lot of things you had no idea you wanted or needed. They're the smartest person you know, but they always say you're the smart one. They're sexy inside and out, even when they first wake up on a day they're suffering from a bad stomach bug. They never tell you what you want to hear just to avoid conflict, but they always know the right thing to say. They make you feel crazy in the sanest way possible. You can't remember how you got by before them and don't know what you'd do without them. They make you feel like a teenager and a wizard at the same time. They make you want a quiet evening at home instead of a crazy night at the dive bar. They make you want to start a family and stop acting like a dumbass. 

And their name is Kim. This is my Kim, though. You have to get your own.

How to Make It Work:

Tell them you love them every day. Try not to take them for granted. Let them know how lucky you feel just to know them. Be there for them any and every way you know how. Tell them how important they are, and what a great parent they are. And never let them get away!


Why I'm back on Facebook Again ( Why NOBODY Can Ever Leave Facebook)

Aaannnd my Facebook is back. I think it was deactivated a total of 4 days. But it wasn't my fault. Facebook is the Wal-Mart of Social Networking. Both are eternal, soulless Evils filled with sweaty fat ladies in spandex and cheaply made merchandise, but practically a necessity if you're trying to survive. Here's why you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave...

3. No one Knows/Cares That It's Possible to Leave Facebook

It took me about 2 minutes to find LiveJournal and setup an account. It was easy and fun. Then I went to add friends. Not a single one was using LiveJournal of course.  My heaviest use of social networking was during the heyday of MySpace. I had a decent group of real world friends (with the exception of Tom. Poor, poor Tom) on my list. MySpace was not without it's faults, but I always enjoyed how you could tweak your homepage. It seemed to be what everyone in my age group was using. Then I remember someone messaging me about this new site called Facebook people were starting to use. If only I'd known it was the beginning of the end.  I checked it out. It only took about 2 minutes to set up a profile.

I didn't put much effort into my Facebook profile because I wasn't interested in switching over to a whole new setup. But right off the bat I noticed a handful of people I hadn't seen in years. Reconnected with a few people. Then went on back to Myspace. Continued posting and messaging people. But they weren't responding like they used to. They were ignoring me! So I thought. But they were just moving on. The Myspace magic was gone. Loading a Myspace friend's page was like playing a game of Russian roulette with your web browser. If their page was loaded down with too many embedded videos you were gonna be screaming at your monitor for 5 minutes until the page finally closed. All my friends seemed to be finding all THEIR handfuls of people they hadn't seen in years on Facebook. And it was just easier to use. So they stopped coming back. I felt like I was the last holdout, an old farmer hellbent on keeping the land that "The Man" was paving a new highway through. But I eventually got lonely, and over the coming weeks I found myself beefing up my Facebook profile with actual facts and uploading an actual photo to replace my "witty" joke profile picture.

Born: 1980 Interests:Sitting around Occupation:Smell-Maker

My problem leaving Myspace is the same one people have with Facebook. The average person doesn't like change. Even when Facebook itself changes features it always brews up a shitstorm from people that liked it just the way it was. It sucks to have to learn something new. It sucks even more to have to relearn something you already knew how to do. But sometimes, learning can be fun! I've had a blast since I came to LiveJournal. But it's just not the same because....

2. Sometimes the Only Way You can Reach Certain People is Through Facebook

I had a bit of a crisis last week that left me scrambling for advice/input from a specific demographic of my peers. The problem was, the only way I knew to reach those people were through Facebook. They weren't people I talked to enough to warrant having their personal information, and basically all of our interaction had been through Facebook before. So it was either play detective, try to track these people down the old-fashioned way, or just log on and shoot them a message.

"I've been hired by your best friend from the 8th Grade. He wants to know if your mom still makes those awesome cookies."

So yeah. I logged in and shot them a message. And while I could have asked them for an alternate way to reach them, in case I'm in another similar crisis, I kinda prefer having them right where they are. Personal conversation in an impersonal way. And even if I tried to reach them through some other means, if it involved using the internet it would be impossible considering...

1. The Internet Is Becoming Increasingly Harder to Use Without a Facebook Account

This was basically the thing that got me back on Facebook before I even had a chance to piss on my account's shallow grave. We use the internet for pretty much EVERYTHING in our house. We don't own televisions. We don't have any video game systems. No dvd/cd collections. Not even a fancy RCA phonograph. So we use a lot of sites like Blip, hulu for watching shows. The problem is, you need to make your own account to a lot of sites in order to get the most out of them. And on most, you have the option of creating your own account, filling out the 3 page forms and emailing a stool sample to activate it, or just using this little gem instead:

Not to be confused with the Lumberjack Support Group "Loggin' with Facebook"

When I set up all these 20+ different accounts, I did what any sane person would do and used this option. And I thought I could get away with keeping all my info and my Facebook account dead, but the first time I tried logging in to one it REACTIVATED my account. So I gave up. Again.  And I am now on Facebook til the end of time.

Random Fact: "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" was written about Meatloaf's relationship with Facebook.

My Beautiful Girl! May 2013 Part 2

Ava Chair
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6 Movies That Might Make A Grown Man Cry

I can't recall what got me thinking about this, but I started racking my brain thinking of all the films that were good enough to elicit some tears (which seem to be harder to come by these days). So here, in "cry"ological order, are those films. I've included links to each film's wiki on the posters, and a "moany" shot of the scene that turned on the faucets.

6. What Dreams May Come

Much less depressing if you pretend it's Patch Adams and shut it off right after the car accident scene.

If I believed in guilty pleasures, this movie would be the first on that list. Just watching the opening will have you mainlining Metamucil from the cheese-induced constipation it induces. But the climax got me. Seeing someone literally move from heaven to hell just to be there for the one they love struck my frayed heartstrings. The portrayal of hell is one of the best I've seen yet.

The "Moany" Shot:

5. Big Fish

Tim Burton's attempt to not be depressing makes me depressed

I'm one of those rare people that neither loves nor hates Tim Burton. A son coming to understand and respect his father's ideas and values, however flawed they may be, is something that hits close to home.  It's a statement to how important the things we do here on earth are, even if they don't feel that way.

The "Moany" Shot:

4. My Life

If you tell anyone I actually paid money to see this in the theater, I'll deny it.

This one's all but forgotten now, and probably for good reason. I actually haven't rewatched it since I saw it at the ripe (as in smelly, not old) age of 13. It was just a few months after my dad passed, so I was actively seeking out "heady" stuff to consume to help the grieving process. I honestly can't remember much about the film except that Michael Keaton's character made a video log to teach life lessons to his unborn son.  That idea was novel at the time, being during the infancy of the information age. The idea has stuck with me. I always wish my father had made something similar for me, and I would definitely want to leave some things behind for my daughter if I knew I was short on time.

The "Moany" Shot:

3. About Schmidt

Even as a grumpy old man he's got more charisma than I ever will

I think this one might be more of a guy thing. The girl I watched it with at the time seemed to think so at least, as she was very amused by my crying. Schmidt copes with the loss of his wife during his daughter's wedding. I can't find a clip of the wedding speech that got me, but if you've not seen the movie then you shouldn't by wasting time reading my crap.

The "Moany" Shot:

2. Schindler's List

I'm not even close to being clever enough to make a quip about the Holocaust

This was another I saw at age 13 in theater. I'd just seen a production of Diary of Anne Frank (the first and only play I've seen to this day unfortunately) which sparked a great interest in the whole subject. I'd only had a few brief history lessons on the subject, so this film was a full on assault. It's still hard to imagine how something so evil could happen on such a grand scale.

The "Moany" Shot:

1. Boys Don't Cry

I think the title is supposed to be ironic?

This film. Just...man. I had just turned 21 when I finally got around to seeing this for the first time. I had heard of Brandon Teena a few years prior from a friend and was familiar with the story, much in the way one would be with hearing any news story of something tragic. But watching this really changed me. It just destroyed the last few threads of the lingering homophobia that someone growing up in my area can't really escape. It opened my eyes to all the times I'd looked down or judged those with different identities/preferences than my own. It's a testament to the power of film and the impact it can have on people's lives.

This Memorial Day: Headaches. Coughing. Fevers. Sucks.

The weather has finally changed! Spring is here! We're sicker than a screening of Sleepers at a NAMBLA convention. In addition to remembering those who gave their lives, limbs and personal liberties for our own, we'll be remembering to rest and stay indoors today.  Little One seems to be unaffected, and hopefully will stay that way.  So have a good Memorial Day for us.

My Top 10 Favorite Kick-Ass Ass Kickers (Of All Time...Now And Forever)

I'm a pussy. Everyone knows that. I was raised on Super-Nintendo and Cheese Puffs. My bully had a E-Z Pass card that deposited my lunch money to his account every day.
So I learned to find solace in those who stuck it to those who wronged them. Here are 10 people who helped me through those hard times. Through entertainment, of course. Did I mention I stay indoors? And I wear glasses?

10. Bruce Lee

Actual Photo of Me, Age 13

The original ass kicker. Many days and nights were spent trying to emulate this man.  The man had a legendary skill set and training that's unrivaled to this day. All I can say I mastered was his trademark scream. The other stuff was damn fun to try though, and The Tao of Jeet Kune Do planted a seed for Zen Buddhist studies that would grow in later years.

9. The Crow

The reason I wore makeup in high school. More importantly, the reason girls liked it.

And what do you know? The kick-ass fruit doesn't fall from the Beatdown Tree (Note: Do not eat fruit with Ass in the name).  The movie was hard to watch without crimson colored glasses considering Brandon Lee's tragic death, but it was perfect payback-vengeance fuel for this 14 year old. Just stay away from the sequels.  And maybe watch the movie with caution. Ok. Just check out James O'Barr's Original Graphic Novel.

8. John Locke

Don't tell him what he can't do...you won't like him when you tell him what he can't do...

The reason I kept coming back to one of the most abusive relationships I've ever had...with a TV show.  Terry O'Quinn's multi-dimensional portrayal of Locke was always the highlight for me. A mysterious, knife-wielding former paraplegic with identity/daddy issues? What's not to love?

7. Magnum, P.I.

Gun? Check. Ferrari? Check. Moustache? Check and MATE.

You think Thomas Magnum is too cheesy to be an ass-kicker? I think the former Vietnam vet, wannabe playboy would disagree...with a vengeance. He's the only person on here that could hand your ass to you while rocking nightmare-inducing short shorts and a moustache that'd make Freddy Mercury proud.

6. Michelangelo

The only thing Corey Feldman should be remembered for.(EDIT:except he voiced Donatello. Therefore, there's no reason to remember Corey Feldman)

Obviously, the Turtle nicknamed "Mikey" was going to be my favorite. I later adopted his "Party Dude" lifestyle, to very limited (or great, depending on your outlook) success.  If only my parents had named me Leonard, Donald or Ralph. And I can still probably rock a set of nunchucks if I picked them up again.

5. Spider-Man

LOOK OUT!!! Here comes a radiation-exposed nerd in a spandex body suit! And he's spewing a sticky, white substance everywhere!

Forget Andrew Garfield. Who's Tobey Maguire? My Spider-Man obsession started back in 1992 with Todd McFarlane's run on the comic. The newest film came closer to capturing the true essence of the wise-cracking webslinger, and Raimi's version captured the awkwardness, but I'm still waiting for a movie to get it right. Because you can never get enough of awkward, smart-ass teenagers with responsibility issues, right?

4. Freddy Krueger

1,2, Freddy's coming for you. 9,10 may not be the best age to have a serial killing maniac as a role-model. What age is though?

This may be a bit of a cheat since Freddy mainly picked on helpless, horny teens, but he held his own against Jason Vorhees so he gets the spot. For some reason, Freddy scared the hell out of me so much as a 9 year old I wanted to BE him. I suppose that's a somewhat normal way of overcoming a childhood fear, but watching Nightmare 4 so many times I could recite the dialogue in my sleep and having a bedroom filled with Krueger merch may have been a bit of overkill. Oh well, I turned out just fine. Muwhahahahaha!

3. Roland Deschain

Who would've thought Stephen King could turn his own classic idea into an overblown, egotistical and disappointing train wreck? Everyone? Oh. Ok.

Mix the Lord of the Rings, Clint Eastwood westerns, some various cheese, over bake then season with references to all your other works and you'll have the Dark Tower books. Spanning the entirety of King's career, the series follows the last Gunslinger Roland Deschain's quest to reach the eponymous Tower, the center of all universes and dimensions. Roland is a stoic, no nonsense killing machine, racking up a body count that would make Schwarzenegger blush. His adventure kept me entertained from the time I was a 10 year old trying to stay out of the awful Louisiana humidity up to this very moment, writing about it to stay out of the less awful Tennessee humidity. He also gave me the initial idea of keeping a cross around my neck at all times, which would later own evolve into my own little superstition.

2. Ashley Williams

First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.

If there was ever a reason to want to lose a hand, this would be it.  What can a mere hand do that a chainsaw hand couldn't do 10 times better?  Watching this well-adjusted, wimpy S-Mart employee transform into an insane, shotgun-toting slayer of the damned always makes me feel like ANYTHING is possible.  Evil Dead 2 became my go to "feel-good" movie for that reason and should be required viewing for all psyche majors. Bonus points for the original being filmed in my hometown.

1. Robocop

Come quietly or there will be...trouble. That's what she said.

Part man, part machine. All awesome.  He gets an unfair advantage by being in the first movie I remember seeing in the theater.  I've watched the movie too many times to admit, and have always found a way to see my own problems and struggles in his tale. The struggle of man vs. machine, over-reliance on technology, trying to remain human in a world full of unfeeling corporations, overcoming your "programming" to do what you feel is right, all things I felt a personal connection with at different points in my life. Plus, the guy keeps a huge gun in his leg, is bulletproof, and has that awesome USB spike thingy for a middle finger.  When I make my will, it will state that if I'm ever shot to death by a gang of violent criminals,  I want to be resurrected as a crime fighting cyborg. Or at least be buried in a Robocop halloween costume.

There you have it. A life of living vicariously through these guys is all the action I've needed so far. Let's just hope it stays that way.

My Beautiful Girl! May 2013

Monkey Shines

Why I Left Facebook (Why EVERYONE should leave Facebook)

I've finally deactivated my Facebook account. For good. That's right. This is the very last time. Why? I'll give you 3 reasons off the top of my head.

3. Armchair Political Pundits
I can't be the only one that is tired of having their news feeds filled with reposted and asinine political commentary from people who are too unoriginal to have an opinion of their own. Especially when 99% of the time it's just fear mongering bullshit that a simple Google search will prove it false or exaggerated.

"London Bridge is falling down!" says Left Wing Watchgroup. Share this secret news!

We all understand that every time a college girl gets an abortion Jesus cries. We all know War is bad. Save your energy and actually do something if these issues bother you so much. Posting someone else's premeditated brain farts makes you look like a fool.

2. The "Friend" Illusion and the Destruction of Nostalgia
My Facebook friend list had about 120 people on it. That was AFTER I had purged the list of people I had accidentally added or no longer wanted to spy on. Of those 120, I spoke with about 10 on a regular basis. Facebook has made it easier to filter what and who you want to see, but still. Do you remember how life was before Facebook? Remember how you would make friends, life and times would bring you closer together or ultimately push you apart, and that was the end? Now there is a virtual purgatory for all the people who weren't good enough to stay in your life.

Oh, yeah! Of course I remember you...um...you! Let's be BFF's forever! Look at my Vaycay photos yo!

Sure it's neat to be able to see that the girl that checked "No" on the "Will you be my girlfriend?" note you gave her in the 4th grade is now a broken down meth-head with 12 kids. But ultimately it's just a novelty, and it feels like cheating. I miss the mystery of wondering what became of the people in my past. Now the memories of them when they were truly relevant to my life are cheapened by the fact I can just type their name in and find out anything and everything I want to about them.

1. The Systematic Destruction of Social Etiquette and Understanding
This makes about the 5th time I've deactivated my account. Everytime has been for the same reason: a misunderstanding about a post or message sent to a member of the opposite sex that sends my partner into Rage Mode. An Example:
What I said: "Hi, Cindy! We've not talked in years! How have you been?"
What She read: "Hi, Cindy! We've not fucked in hours! How have we went so long without fucking?"
It doesn't matter that Cindy is my snaggle-toothed, butch-lesbian 2nd cousin that lives in Mississippi. I've broken an imaginary (yet very real) line of trust somewhere. If the conversation had happened say, at Dunkin Donuts after running into Cindy, all would be well. But the fact that I clicked on a few buttons and typed the words must mean that I was actively seeking her out. Even though I practically "ran into" her through stumbling around on Facebook. I had no ill-intent. If I wanted to have a rendezvous, I think I'd do it the old fashioned way. You know, with a Craigslist prostitute. But it's very obvious that stuff like Facebook affairs happen. Somehow. Even though you there is no possible way to physically interact with another human being through a computer.

"Why are you doing this?! And on OUR FAMILY COMPUTER! YOU BASTARD!"

But this was just the proverbial 3 ton brick that broke the ant's back. Socializing on the internet in general presents tons of similar issues. I once threatened to travel 800 miles to beat a family acquaintance's ass after I misconstrued an "old man saying" comment he posted on my fiancee's picture as an insult to her mothering abilities. The main tool we have to represent ourselves online is written word. And unfortunately, the majority of us are not inherently skilled at using it in a way that keeps our feet out of our mouths. A lot of the social experience is lost in translation from our minds to the screen because we can't communicate inflection, body language etc. without preempting every sentence with "lol" and ending it with an emoticon.

This is just an "off the top of my head" rant. Most of the people that I want in my life are already there. For the others, I hope you have a good one. Feel free to email (fyemike@gmail.com) or text (423-231-4752) me if you'd like to catch up. But you can have Facebook.