My Top 10 Favorite Kick-Ass Ass Kickers (Of All Time...Now And Forever)

Posted on 6:00 AM by Mike Fye

I'm a pussy. Everyone knows that. I was raised on Super-Nintendo and Cheese Puffs. My bully had a E-Z Pass card that deposited my lunch money to his account every day.
So I learned to find solace in those who stuck it to those who wronged them. Here are 10 people who helped me through those hard times. Through entertainment, of course. Did I mention I stay indoors? And I wear glasses?

10. Bruce Lee

Actual Photo of Me, Age 13

The original ass kicker. Many days and nights were spent trying to emulate this man.  The man had a legendary skill set and training that's unrivaled to this day. All I can say I mastered was his trademark scream. The other stuff was damn fun to try though, and The Tao of Jeet Kune Do planted a seed for Zen Buddhist studies that would grow in later years.

9. The Crow

The reason I wore makeup in high school. More importantly, the reason girls liked it.

And what do you know? The kick-ass fruit doesn't fall from the Beatdown Tree (Note: Do not eat fruit with Ass in the name).  The movie was hard to watch without crimson colored glasses considering Brandon Lee's tragic death, but it was perfect payback-vengeance fuel for this 14 year old. Just stay away from the sequels.  And maybe watch the movie with caution. Ok. Just check out James O'Barr's Original Graphic Novel.

8. John Locke

Don't tell him what he can't won't like him when you tell him what he can't do...

The reason I kept coming back to one of the most abusive relationships I've ever had...with a TV show.  Terry O'Quinn's multi-dimensional portrayal of Locke was always the highlight for me. A mysterious, knife-wielding former paraplegic with identity/daddy issues? What's not to love?

7. Magnum, P.I.

Gun? Check. Ferrari? Check. Moustache? Check and MATE.

You think Thomas Magnum is too cheesy to be an ass-kicker? I think the former Vietnam vet, wannabe playboy would disagree...with a vengeance. He's the only person on here that could hand your ass to you while rocking nightmare-inducing short shorts and a moustache that'd make Freddy Mercury proud.

6. Michelangelo

The only thing Corey Feldman should be remembered for.(EDIT:except he voiced Donatello. Therefore, there's no reason to remember Corey Feldman)

Obviously, the Turtle nicknamed "Mikey" was going to be my favorite. I later adopted his "Party Dude" lifestyle, to very limited (or great, depending on your outlook) success.  If only my parents had named me Leonard, Donald or Ralph. And I can still probably rock a set of nunchucks if I picked them up again.

5. Spider-Man

LOOK OUT!!! Here comes a radiation-exposed nerd in a spandex body suit! And he's spewing a sticky, white substance everywhere!

Forget Andrew Garfield. Who's Tobey Maguire? My Spider-Man obsession started back in 1992 with Todd McFarlane's run on the comic. The newest film came closer to capturing the true essence of the wise-cracking webslinger, and Raimi's version captured the awkwardness, but I'm still waiting for a movie to get it right. Because you can never get enough of awkward, smart-ass teenagers with responsibility issues, right?

4. Freddy Krueger

1,2, Freddy's coming for you. 9,10 may not be the best age to have a serial killing maniac as a role-model. What age is though?

This may be a bit of a cheat since Freddy mainly picked on helpless, horny teens, but he held his own against Jason Vorhees so he gets the spot. For some reason, Freddy scared the hell out of me so much as a 9 year old I wanted to BE him. I suppose that's a somewhat normal way of overcoming a childhood fear, but watching Nightmare 4 so many times I could recite the dialogue in my sleep and having a bedroom filled with Krueger merch may have been a bit of overkill. Oh well, I turned out just fine. Muwhahahahaha!

3. Roland Deschain

Who would've thought Stephen King could turn his own classic idea into an overblown, egotistical and disappointing train wreck? Everyone? Oh. Ok.

Mix the Lord of the Rings, Clint Eastwood westerns, some various cheese, over bake then season with references to all your other works and you'll have the Dark Tower books. Spanning the entirety of King's career, the series follows the last Gunslinger Roland Deschain's quest to reach the eponymous Tower, the center of all universes and dimensions. Roland is a stoic, no nonsense killing machine, racking up a body count that would make Schwarzenegger blush. His adventure kept me entertained from the time I was a 10 year old trying to stay out of the awful Louisiana humidity up to this very moment, writing about it to stay out of the less awful Tennessee humidity. He also gave me the initial idea of keeping a cross around my neck at all times, which would later own evolve into my own little superstition.

2. Ashley Williams

First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.

If there was ever a reason to want to lose a hand, this would be it.  What can a mere hand do that a chainsaw hand couldn't do 10 times better?  Watching this well-adjusted, wimpy S-Mart employee transform into an insane, shotgun-toting slayer of the damned always makes me feel like ANYTHING is possible.  Evil Dead 2 became my go to "feel-good" movie for that reason and should be required viewing for all psyche majors. Bonus points for the original being filmed in my hometown.

1. Robocop

Come quietly or there will be...trouble. That's what she said.

Part man, part machine. All awesome.  He gets an unfair advantage by being in the first movie I remember seeing in the theater.  I've watched the movie too many times to admit, and have always found a way to see my own problems and struggles in his tale. The struggle of man vs. machine, over-reliance on technology, trying to remain human in a world full of unfeeling corporations, overcoming your "programming" to do what you feel is right, all things I felt a personal connection with at different points in my life. Plus, the guy keeps a huge gun in his leg, is bulletproof, and has that awesome USB spike thingy for a middle finger.  When I make my will, it will state that if I'm ever shot to death by a gang of violent criminals,  I want to be resurrected as a crime fighting cyborg. Or at least be buried in a Robocop halloween costume.

There you have it. A life of living vicariously through these guys is all the action I've needed so far. Let's just hope it stays that way.

2 Response to "My Top 10 Favorite Kick-Ass Ass Kickers (Of All Time...Now And Forever)"

ext_1876051 Says....

After reading and remembering this, it's quite amazing that you're normal! What were your parents thinking?!

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