Showing posts with label sexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexuality. Show all posts

NSFW Thursday: Bangology 101- Ask Dr. Seth C. Wadd! PhD

For today's Sex/Relationship column we have a special guest, Dr. Seth C. Wadd, PhD.  Doctor Wadd is the Director of Studies at the Center for Super Sexy Times in Intercourse, PA.* He has a PhD in "Bangology" and  over 40 years of applied experience with his wife, Satcha Wadd.

Jen from Downtownsville asks:

"Why are females so eager to give oral to the men they love and men hate to return the favor.. It like for serious has to be my birthday... And it's several women I have spoken with who have been in long term relationships with their man???"

Well, Jen, I have to say that you and your friends must be part of some crazy cult! Mrs. Wadd only requested that once, and she said that it was awful and never wanted me to do it again! So obviously women don't care much for this.

The myth of "cunnilingus" is a fairly recent one. Researchers believe it was invented as a means to make men doubt their abilities to use their ramicus-rodentia, or "ram-rod" to properly please a woman. This doubt would lead to a lack of confidence that would allow women to take over the world.

During the 70s, a slew of documentary films known as "Crotch Flicks" provided men with some great new insights as to what women wanted and expected from a sexual relationship. It seemed that women got the most pleasure from certain tasks performed in a certain order:
  1. Woman meets complete stranger, preferably someone from a service industry
  2. Woman becomes overcome with a pubescent male level of randiness
  3. Woman performs oral acts on stranger
  4. Woman engages in vigorous, extremely fast paced intercourse while screaming profanities and emulating the sounds of a dying seagull
  5. Woman in a serious relationship will request anal sex in the crudest manner possible
  6. Woman requests ejaculate be deposited on a specific body part, usually the face
This method is generally known to be the most pleasurable to the female, although etiquette dictates that they will say things like, "Gross!", "What the hell are you thinking?" or "That hurts, you asshole (or MY asshole)!" as to not be thought of as "easy". 

Some scientists tried to challenge this method, citing that "asking the female what she likes","foreplay" and "clitoral stimulation" were key to providing a woman pleasure. This was soon dismissed though, as when women were asked if we were good, they responded with "Yes." and "You're the best I've ever had." They were also continuing to have very loud, big orgasms that were in no way fake because we could tell if they were.

So this brings us to the question. Why don't men do this "cunnilingus"? Well, because we don't need to! You said that we did just fine with our tried and true method we learned from the documentaries. Right? Right?!?

*Dr. Wadd's opinions are not shared or endorsed by Semper Fye. We actually don't even think he's a real doctor. When we asked to see some credentials, he held up a page from a Doogie Howser coloring book that had "I'm a Dokter" scribbled in crayon on it. Also, The Center for Super Sexy Times is in a basement with a dingy stained mattress on the floor. It smelled awful.