NSFW Thursday: Bangology 101- Ask Dr. Seth C. Wadd! PhD

For today's Sex/Relationship column we have a special guest, Dr. Seth C. Wadd, PhD.  Doctor Wadd is the Director of Studies at the Center for Super Sexy Times in Intercourse, PA.* He has a PhD in "Bangology" and  over 40 years of applied experience with his wife, Satcha Wadd.

Jen from Downtownsville asks:

"Why are females so eager to give oral to the men they love and men hate to return the favor.. It like for serious has to be my birthday... And it's several women I have spoken with who have been in long term relationships with their man???"

Well, Jen, I have to say that you and your friends must be part of some crazy cult! Mrs. Wadd only requested that once, and she said that it was awful and never wanted me to do it again! So obviously women don't care much for this.

The myth of "cunnilingus" is a fairly recent one. Researchers believe it was invented as a means to make men doubt their abilities to use their ramicus-rodentia, or "ram-rod" to properly please a woman. This doubt would lead to a lack of confidence that would allow women to take over the world.

During the 70s, a slew of documentary films known as "Crotch Flicks" provided men with some great new insights as to what women wanted and expected from a sexual relationship. It seemed that women got the most pleasure from certain tasks performed in a certain order:

1. Woman meets complete stranger, preferably someone from a service industry
2. Woman becomes overcome with a pubescent male level of randiness
3. Woman performs oral acts on stranger
4. Woman engages in vigorous, extremely fast paced intercourse while screaming profanities and emulating the sounds of a dying seagull
5. Woman in a serious relationship will request anal sex in the crudest manner possible
6. Woman requests ejaculate be deposited on a specific body part, usually the face

This method is generally known to be the most pleasurable to the female, although etiquette dictates that they will say things like, "Gross!", "What the hell are you thinking?" or "That hurts, you asshole (or MY asshole)!" as to not be thought of as "easy". 

Some scientists tried to challenge this method, citing that "asking the female what she likes","foreplay" and "clitoral stimulation" were key to providing a woman pleasure. This was soon dismissed though, as when women were asked if we were good, they responded with "Yes." and "You're the best I've ever had." They were also continuing to have very loud, big orgasms that were in no way fake because we could tell if they were.

So this brings us to the question. Why don't men do this "cunnilingus"? Well, because we don't need to! You said that we did just fine with our tried and true method we learned from the documentaries. Right? Right?!?

*Dr. Wadd's opinions are not shared or endorsed by Semper Fye. We actually don't even think he's a real doctor. When we asked to see some credentials, he held up a page from a Doogie Howser coloring book that had "I'm a Dokter" scribbled in crayon on it. Also, The Center for Super Sexy Times is in a basement with a dingy stained mattress on the floor. It smelled awful.

5 Types of Partners (and How to Handle Them)

I'm not one to judge someone on a single characteristic. I'm also not a big fan of straw man arguments. These are issues that are probably in every relationship in some form.  Nevertheless, this is a quick guide to dealing with certain "types" of partners, with a few signs for spotting them. As always, this is for entertainment purposes only. I have no idea what I'm talking about in real life.

5. The "Durrp"ner

Do you like feeling superior? Love the smug satisfaction of being the smartest person in the room? Then you'll have everything you ever wanted in a Durrpner. They probably couldn't even breathe properly if you weren't there to show them how. They hang on your every last word, even the ones you made up. They usually concede defeat in every argument, even when you have no idea what you're talking about.

"Oh! So Global Warming is more of a lifestyle choice! NOW I get it!"

How to Make It Work: 

If you're in a relationship because you feed off of their stupidity to make you feel smarter, then you're a bit of a Durrpner yourself.  If you truly feel that you're superior to your partner in any way, then you probably don't deserve them. Besides, Bill Nye said it best when he said, "Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't." But that doesn't mean that person will still be fun to be around after you learn whatever that something is.

4. The "Sexy"ner

You passed out from all the blood racing from your brain to your crotch the first time you laid eyes on them. They can somehow manage to look incredible eating hot wings while sitting on the toilet. A wink or a toss of the hair can get them out of any situation. Sure, they're about as interesting as a loaf of Wonderbread playing a game of golf, and it seems like every word from their mouth came from an issue of US Weekly, but they just look...so...damn...good! Beauty is obviously subjective, but everyone has met someone that they've found so attractive it put their brain into "Meltdown" mode.

Somewhere, somehow, someone is using this photo to grow palm hair.

How to Make It Work: 

Time and maturity usually make this work itself out. When you get to the place where you're really looking for someone to spend your days with, your genitals hop in the backseat pretty quick after getting to know a person who's obsessed with appearances.  Personally, I've seen girls go from a 10 to a negative infinity score of sexiness while they were in the middle of the first sentence to come out of their mouths.  Watching someone willfully play into the stereotypes of typical beauty (shallowness, conceit, stupidity) is particularly vomit-inducing.  It's hard to find that person that's confident enough in their appearance to just be themselves. But when you do, all the ones that put all the focus into how they're seen on the surface tend to be the ugliest of them all.

3. The Compulsive Liar/Con Artist/Sociopath-ner

They'll tell you whatever you want to hear, whenever you want to hear it. You can't seem to stay mad at them for some reason, even though they just used your lucky hat as a bowl to eat the last of YOUR cereal. Your parents always side with them during a big argument, and your grandmother tells your current mate how great they were, 3 years after they ran off with all your money and your best friend. Which actually ended up being understandable after they explained that they only did it to make your love stronger. 

"No baby! It's MY car! I just lost my keys. And my face is SO cold today!"

How to Make It Work:

This is only going to work if you're a Durrpner or you're just completely self-obsessed. They can always blow smoke up your ass to make you feel even better about yourself. When they violate your trust, you can either keep falling for their B.S. or you can just brush it off because you're way too busy with your own problems to be concerned with what they're doing. 

2. The "Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATSHIT!"ner

Meeting them was like walking into a tornado filled with chocolate, unicorns and broken headboards. All you can remember is that you can't remember the last time you felt so alive and free! Every new day is an adventure. But like all natural disasters, once the excitement is over there's not much left but tears, broken dreams and shattered windows. You start preparing to rebuild, but they were just getting started...

"Of course I remembered your birthday! Why else would I be holding a knife?!"

How to Make It Work:

There are really no preventative measures that will work. All you can do is hope it's not too late. Here is some helpful information. Also, here. If all else fails, here.

1. The "One"-ner

This is the end of your search. You've been through hell and back. You laughed. You cried. You babbled in a made up language and started wearing tinfoil hats. You thought all was lost. Then they came along. All the things you were looking for and a lot of things you had no idea you wanted or needed. They're the smartest person you know, but they always say you're the smart one. They're sexy inside and out, even when they first wake up on a day they're suffering from a bad stomach bug. They never tell you what you want to hear just to avoid conflict, but they always know the right thing to say. They make you feel crazy in the sanest way possible. You can't remember how you got by before them and don't know what you'd do without them. They make you feel like a teenager and a wizard at the same time. They make you want a quiet evening at home instead of a crazy night at the dive bar. They make you want to start a family and stop acting like a dumbass. 

And their name is Kim. This is my Kim, though. You have to get your own.

How to Make It Work:

Tell them you love them every day. Try not to take them for granted. Let them know how lucky you feel just to know them. Be there for them any and every way you know how. Tell them how important they are, and what a great parent they are. And never let them get away!