5 Types of Partners (and How to Handle Them)

Posted on 2:19 PM by Mike Fye

I'm not one to judge someone on a single characteristic. I'm also not a big fan of straw man arguments. These are issues that are probably in every relationship in some form.  Nevertheless, this is a quick guide to dealing with certain "types" of partners, with a few signs for spotting them. As always, this is for entertainment purposes only. I have no idea what I'm talking about in real life.

5. The "Durrp"ner

Do you like feeling superior? Love the smug satisfaction of being the smartest person in the room? Then you'll have everything you ever wanted in a Durrpner. They probably couldn't even breathe properly if you weren't there to show them how. They hang on your every last word, even the ones you made up. They usually concede defeat in every argument, even when you have no idea what you're talking about.
"Oh! So Global Warming is more of a lifestyle choice! NOW I get it!"

How to Make It Work: 

If you're in a relationship because you feed off of their stupidity to make you feel smarter, then you're a bit of a Durrpner yourself.  If you truly feel that you're superior to your partner in any way, then you probably don't deserve them. Besides, Bill Nye said it best when he said, "Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't." But that doesn't mean that person will still be fun to be around after you learn whatever that something is.

4. The "Sexy"ner

You passed out from all the blood racing from your brain to your crotch the first time you laid eyes on them. They can somehow manage to look incredible eating hot wings while sitting on the toilet. A wink or a toss of the hair can get them out of any situation. Sure, they're about as interesting as a loaf of Wonderbread playing a game of golf, and it seems like every word from their mouth came from an issue of US Weekly, but they just look...so...damn...good! Beauty is obviously subjective, but everyone has met someone that they've found so attractive it put their brain into "Meltdown" mode.
Somewhere, somehow, someone is using this photo to grow palm hair.

How to Make It Work: 

Time and maturity usually make this work itself out. When you get to the place where you're really looking for someone to spend your days with, your genitals hop in the backseat pretty quick after getting to know a person who's obsessed with appearances.  Personally, I've seen girls go from a 10 to a negative infinity score of sexiness while they were in the middle of the first sentence to come out of their mouths.  Watching someone willfully play into the stereotypes of typical beauty (shallowness, conceit, stupidity) is particularly vomit-inducing.  It's hard to find that person that's confident enough in their appearance to just be themselves. But when you do, all the ones that put all the focus into how they're seen on the surface tend to be the ugliest of them all.

3. The Compulsive Liar/Con Artist/Sociopath-ner

They'll tell you whatever you want to hear, whenever you want to hear it. You can't seem to stay mad at them for some reason, even though they just used your lucky hat as a bowl to eat the last of YOUR cereal. Your parents always side with them during a big argument, and your grandmother tells your current mate how great they were, 3 years after they ran off with all your money and your best friend. Which actually ended up being understandable after they explained that they only did it to make your love stronger. 
"No baby! It's MY car! I just lost my keys. And my face is SO cold today!"

How to Make It Work:

This is only going to work if you're a Durrpner or you're just completely self-obsessed. They can always blow smoke up your ass to make you feel even better about yourself. When they violate your trust, you can either keep falling for their B.S. or you can just brush it off because you're way too busy with your own problems to be concerned with what they're doing. 

2. The "Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATSHIT!"ner

Meeting them was like walking into a tornado filled with chocolate, unicorns and broken headboards. All you can remember is that you can't remember the last time you felt so alive and free! Every new day is an adventure. But like all natural disasters, once the excitement is over there's not much left but tears, broken dreams and shattered windows. You start preparing to rebuild, but they were just getting started...

"Of course I remembered your birthday! Why else would I be holding a knife?!"

How to Make It Work:

There are really no preventative measures that will work. All you can do is hope it's not too late. Here is some helpful information. Also, here. If all else fails, here.

1. The "One"-ner

This is the end of your search. You've been through hell and back. You laughed. You cried. You babbled in a made up language and started wearing tinfoil hats. You thought all was lost. Then they came along. All the things you were looking for and a lot of things you had no idea you wanted or needed. They're the smartest person you know, but they always say you're the smart one. They're sexy inside and out, even when they first wake up on a day they're suffering from a bad stomach bug. They never tell you what you want to hear just to avoid conflict, but they always know the right thing to say. They make you feel crazy in the sanest way possible. You can't remember how you got by before them and don't know what you'd do without them. They make you feel like a teenager and a wizard at the same time. They make you want a quiet evening at home instead of a crazy night at the dive bar. They make you want to start a family and stop acting like a dumbass. 

And their name is Kim. This is my Kim, though. You have to get your own.

How to Make It Work:

Tell them you love them every day. Try not to take them for granted. Let them know how lucky you feel just to know them. Be there for them any and every way you know how. Tell them how important they are, and what a great parent they are. And never let them get away!


7 Response to "5 Types of Partners (and How to Handle Them)"

April Says....

I happen to come upon your facebook page, today (not really. I was being nosey), and I saw you are, now, writing blogs. I scrolled down your page and saw this one, and thought "I have to read this!" I must say it was very entertaining. I have to write the chick version of it, so here goes...
The name says it all, but what fun would it be if I just left it at that. When you meet this incredible man, you think it's too good to be true. He's level headed, rational, handsome, fun, smart, and he doesn't seem to mind to deal with your crazy. He takes you through a whorl wind of exciting emotions you have never felt before. You think you did it. You think you found the one. The minute you give in and become all his, he quickly changes into that ugly green 100 pound hulk. This controlling, possessive, monster throws temper tantrums better than a 2 year old princess, complete with throwing things in the road such as CDs, his watch, his shoes,and YOU! He beats you down verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically until you are a shell of the person you once were. If you are lucky enough to get away from this bastard, hide! Find a ditch and hide and never come out! Or, you know, call the cops and get an order of protection. That's what I did.

So what he wears a North Face jacket. He's been on many adventures. He's a smooth talker and impresses you with how wonderful he is. He spends his summers on the river, and travels to exotic lands. He even enjoys dancing with you and like everything else, he shows off his gliding moves. All the while you ignore that haunting, bad, gut feeling you get about the whole charade. You finally give in and 'give it up' only to never hear from him again. You later learn from a friend that he has a princess bride in his homeland (whether how near or far away that may be).

Sure, this fella has no money, no job, and no car, but he's just down on his luck. I know, because I got the heart wrenching story of how he came about not having these things, from his mother. It's not his fault, you see, but then again, nothing is. He's just a cute little puppy that likes to be petted. You come across one of these ners, and your maternal instincts kick in. You just want to pet him and take him home and take care of him. That is, of course, until that faithful night in the bedroom when he looks at you with those great big eyes and says, "Tell me you're my mommy". Yup, that's about when it's over. Maybe a while before that. You just didn't really know it.

This fella comes along after all the ones above and is a sigh of relief. No drama, no problems, no hassle, no nothing. Let me say that again NO NOTHING. All of the nothingness may be well and good for a while, but as most exciting women do, I get bored. You try to rationalize why you SHOULD stay with him. After all, he's a good, down to earth, hard working man who LOOKS good on paper......................... oh, sorry. I just feel asleep. What was I saying?

This man can do anything, anywhere. He fixes your problems (and his own) with little effort. He makes you feel safe, when you need to feel safe. He's funny, charming, good looking, and needs no one, but himself. He's too good for you, and he knows it. He rips your heart out, puts it in a paper shredder, throws the remains on the cold asphalt beside your crying fetally positioned body, turns to walk away while a piece of what is left of your heart gets stuck to his shoe, and he grinds that sliver into the cold wet ground over and over with every step as he walks away. Yup, you're ruined.

Anonymous Says....

Hey, man, missed this one! I'd like to add a 6th type of partner. You said anything goes. Partner type is a combo of your na, na...batshit-ner and the sociopath-ner but in a much sicker sense. I'll label them the the socio-batshitner in respect to your descriptions. Hell, yeah! They exist! A prize package combo! They demean you, talk shit about you and oh, how they love you at the same time. They attempt to build to turn your own family against you by claiming to be the victim. But, it's really YOU that is the victim. They are controlling as hell and try to reset your own reasoning. Mole hills turn into mountains and you don't have a clue as to what motivates these bitches. They just can't let go and I suspect that it's because they know that nobody else will accept their or tolerate their craziness. They set out to own you and control you in every way. They are crazy enough to even attempt to turn your own family against you and lure your family members with their generosity. But, the catch is that your family members MUST see you as they do. They aren't building allies, they are building a militia and preparing for war. They set out to overtake the ones who love you unconditionally and make them a part of their army. As we all know, blood runs much thicker than water or any pussy that's offered so they fall flat on their unattractive faces. But, there seems to be this driving force/need for them to hang on to you obviously because they realize they fucked up the best thing they will ever have. Nobody wants these controlling partner types that attempts to OWN you. That's what they don't get and never will. They will spend the rest of their lives ALONE (thank God) and never be able to inflict their controlling needs upon anyone else. They will never be able to maintain a loving healthy relationship because their focus is primarily on control and isolating their partner. They can go from zero to evil in 60 seconds! I escaped a relationship like this and finally gave up on trying to diagnose my former partner (ashamed to call them a partner now) as having a serious mental disorder or a substance abuse problem. I'm happy just to have them out of my life and pray to God that I never encounter another like them. They thrive on drama and nothing is ever THEIR fault. They so badly want to show as little as an ounce of intelligence but hey, it just isn't there! They are to be pitied. They will never experience the realness of true and unconditional love because they are unable to express it themselves. Their world evolve around them which blinds them to the needs of their partners and acquaintances. Let's pray for these seemingly hopeless souls for as Jesus said on the cross, "they don't know what they do". But for our own mental health and sanity, avoiding them like the plague is a MUSt for our own sanity. We have to focus on our own lives and happiness and isolate ourselves from these soul sucking predators. If we fall victim to them, it will surely be the end of our very means.

Anonymous Says....

What about the it'sbeenoverforyearsnothingelsetodobutstalk-ner?
It's the person that, once their crazy shows and you leave them they never stop following you, reading your facebook page, looking at your blog etc. All you really want is for them to GO AWAY and live their own life.

Anonymous Says....

That person would also fit into the same category. They need serious counseling and are considered a fatal attraction. There's laws against this sort of thing but few know about them or realize the potential threat they pose.

Brandy Rogers Says....

And sometimes the problem is that your partner is mwentally/psychologically abusive, an alcoholic, and can't stop effing your "friends." The best part about living through this partner is that you ultimately realize that everyone (not just them, yourself included) is flawed. You realize that the things that everyone keep shouting from the rooftops are the blaring trumpets that are designed to stifle the quiet whisper of a life gone wanting. You'll never find your perfect mate. People aren't gloves. None of them fit just right. What there are, is small victories. Moments of clarity. Accepting contentedness. Learning to be satisfied with what you once considered imperfect. Most of all, you have to relaize that happiness doesn't come from finding any kind of partner. It's an inside job. The relationships you end up in, whether they fail, succeed, or self-destruct are nearly always a direct refelection of you, your life, your choices, and the piece of your brain you are letting control your life. I've had a partner that did awful things... but my life, my personality, my very being begged to be destroyed. I didn't love myself, so he didn't love me. I was insecure, so he had no confidence in me. I nagged him, so he felt trapped. I smothered him, so he searched for a way out. Now in my life, I love my partner. He's my best friend. We co-exist and find joy in each others' company every day. I think that's all you can hope for.

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